I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
