i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
