So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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