This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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