I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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