Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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