It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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