Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
