Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
