tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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