Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
