One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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