I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
