apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
