OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
