my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
