I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Randomize
