He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
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