if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
