You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
