How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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