Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
