yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
