I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i dont even know how to be here
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
