Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
