idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
It was confusing and full of hummus
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
