24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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