It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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