I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
