be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
