just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
