she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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