don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
We need to get me chipped asap
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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