It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
