is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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