Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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