The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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