i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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