the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
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Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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