I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Randomize
