he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
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I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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