im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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