So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
