Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
