i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
