I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You ruined the universe
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
