dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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