Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
