so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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