Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
