Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
