i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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