the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
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If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
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I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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