We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
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Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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