There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
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She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
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I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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