420 ftw
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize