Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
