I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
