I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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