i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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