This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
